Wednesday, March 23

Thinking of Stories in Spring

Life is getting back to basics in the new apartment. Work might be getting better (I was scheduled for three days this week, instead of two) and although I'm still not finding real work (oh where oh where is my office job?) I'm reading again and working on a mini garden for the deck. There's even a giant thermometer and little metal planters with butterflies.
If nothing starts to sprout in the next few weeks, I'm going to Lowes and cheating with a great big box of pre-planted veggies and herbs.

I'm still having trouble finding motivation for...just about everything. I think of My Secret Agent Lover Man, wondering how people can be happy when so many things are wrong, Witch Baby and her wall of tragedy, Weetzie Bat at the Pink Hotel, working through a mid life crisis (they call my problem a "Quarter-Life Crisis", post-grads with no job prospects who begin to flounder).
I try to surround myself with the things Weetzie might; fake, spring colored flowers in every corner, scented candles and the windows wide open, the sounds of the world around me.

Since my vacation, I've felt increasingly lazy, my body suddenly heavy with it's lack of muscle and activity. I've created a pseudo-diet for myself, eating less calories & fat over breakfast & lunch, indulging in whatever protein and veggies I want for dinner. has been a great help, and tells me when I'm not eating enough. I don't listen, usually, and I think of Laurel, starving herself to feel empty, weightless, pure.
I used to think about not eating, but I knew it was horrible and that it would never work even if I could bring myself to not eat (which I cant).
Lunch today is steamed tofu (99 cents at Super Mart) with Bulgogi sauce and squash. I'm sure I will be hungry within the hour, but dinner tonight is Korean with friends, and I'm happy to have a snack later and then wait for it.

This whole process goes against my Radical Self Love promise. That I will not count calories or worry about my body. But every day I feel lazier and lazier, more and more sedentary. I come from an obese family; I can't not think about it. So all I can do is try to be healthy. This is my transition diet, from old me to healthy, active me. We'll see how it goes. I promise not to be unhealthy.

Now that things are settling down again, and things are both picking up and settling out, I'm beginning to feel restless, again.

post script:
Did you hear that 70% of japan's school children are still missing? It's so horrible. My friend Sam, who I've mentioned before, is one of the most broke, situationally unhappy people I know, but she still gave money for japan. That is seriously awesome, and I hope more people are willing to give like that.

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