Monday, October 2

Because

On some lonely nights I feel like the last three years have been an intense, long-winded manic episode, followed almost immediately by an intense period of depression and horrified anxiety upon waking up.

The sugar high of dropping everything and going somewhere completely new took two years to crash, I guess.
I think about what my life was like then; working retail and food service, just getting by, desperately trying to figure out what kind of hustle I was good at because my expensive degree was getting me nowhere.
The exact thing that made us finally leave, I don't really remember, which bolsters my mania theory a bit. But mania or not, some kind of adrenaline kept me going for so long now, I'm so tired. I'm constantly looking to settle -- which feels so... different.
I try to think about gratitude, because of all the people and circumstances that were critical to almost every step along the way. The luck I've had; the chances I've been given; the people who've picked me up when I've needed it.
I wonder now what I was thinking, to pack up and gamble everything away like that.
Then I remember
that I only have anything to lose now because I took the chance then.

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