Drink Me

Current Obsession: Korean Cinnamon Punch  (i have loved this stuff since it was served at my first korean restaurant, but recently found int in canned form. can NOT get enough of it)
Watching: Wallanger


This week has been a giant pool of "I hate my life" even though I haven't been having any actual problems. Arguing at home, not getting enough work done, being bored.
But still. There's this anger and sadness like murky lake water, soaking my insides and making my skin crawl. Nothing makes it go away and everything He does just makes it worse.

But after a crying spell I do feel better, though I wish I had something to munch on.
On that note, however, is the tiny little issue that I actually can work on: I'm gaining weight.

Don't take this the wrong way, I'm not complaining about my weight. But I come from a family of overweight people, and I've always stayed thin without trying. But I'm terrified that once I gain too much, even just an extra 15 pounds, it'll be too late to go back. That's pretty much the way it was for everyone else. So the five or ten pounds I've gained in the past six months scares the crap out of me.

So I just got back from the store with $12 worth of fruits and veggies.
Wow, that doesn't sound like a lot when I write it down.
At the international store here, that's a lot. I got about a pound of different apples, two pounds of carrots, a beet, some tomatoes, pound or so of kale, some cucumber, some oranges and grapefruit, and some mangoes (that turned out to be bad).
See, $12 = awesome.
 Next trip will include grapes, pineapple, not-rotten mangoes, spinach, and whatever other veggies I think will go with those.

I'm thinking of a two-week-long juice (half)fast. Drinking juice for the first half of the day, and making my regular meals for dinner. Then, ideally, juice as a snack afterward, though that will start tomorrow since I'm eying the popcorn box.

I've had a juicer for a while, and tend to go on kicks with it, mostly for health or cheapness, but this time I'm doing it for weight, and to try to get my poor digestive system to calm the fuck down after a full two weeks of constant discomfort all over the place.
My favorite juice is apple-carrot, though I like adding Kale now for healthiness.

Check out these really wonderful looking recipes:

HuffPost
All About Juicing
Native Juicer


They're good, try it!

Singing Your Broken Heart Out

Sad Songs from cynlady on 8tracks Radio.

When I Can't Hold It In

Excitement like starbursts in my soul. Like smiles that can't be stifled and high wild screams of joy into the night. Fireworks in my blood that make me want to dance and sing and kiss and run. Adrenaline rushing to my brain like a roaring river flooding me with thoughts full of YES and Never Stop and Just Keep Going! A world full of life that I always forget was there and suddenly I can see it and I can feel it all. I can love it all and take it all and nothing can stop me. These moments I am endless and unafraid and invincible. I want crisp air and endless nights and joy that lasts forever with music and light and love and hearts bursting with all of the potential of every single moment.



See Also:  Depression

Potential, I said

But somehow it feels like it's become a hole.
Of potential?
As if that could make sense somehow.

As if I have this promise. This depth of undeveloped-ness. And I keep trying to feed it with thoughts. With ideas. To make it grow. To give the potential its substance. But I don't know how. And it aches and yearns and hungers.
And the longer I go without giving it what it needs, the longer I let this void of maybe possibilty sit and gnaw and fester, the more it shifts.

Potential, I said.

I felt a sense of potential.

That was only days ago.

If My Novels Were Relationships.

A Study in Steel
would be my love-child. I'm always caring for it, nurturing it, working to improve it, defending it from others, and preparing it for the real world.

Night Terrors
would be a bad ex-boyfriend. I keep coming back to it, thinking this time we can make things work. But ultimately we hit the same roadblocks, and in the end we disappoint each other.

Persephone
would be the one that got away. Always wishing it would work out, always imagining, with deep melancholy and wistfulness, how great it could be (if only...), but always inevitably seeing that it's just out of reach.

Depression

 

Depression hurts like bruises trapped in your heart like clouds behind your eyes and scars wrapped around your skin. Anxiety like electricity blazing through your head and worms slithering in your veins. Fear like hands gripping your wrists, tying you down and clamping your mouth shut, but if it opened all you could do is scream because the world is crashing down on you even when nothing is wrong. Mean Reds like noise in your head, driving you away from your life and under the covers. Hide. Run. Don't smile. Don't talk. Cry. Just cry and hide and let the lonely in as the world goes on around you like a ride that's just too high. Just too fast. You weren't invited and wouldn't have any fun anyway. It's your life and it's always just out of reach.

2013.

My first note of the new year is to never again drink "Red Velvet" flavored anything unless you like to have your cake and drink it too.
We couldn't even finish the bottle, every sip left my mouth feeling like it'd been bathed in super-sweet cherry chocolate. I should have just gotten the cheap plain bubbly.
Oh well, we'll find something to celebrate for and drink champagne so I can get my yearly fix.

My NYE was uneventful, but happily highlighted by a small plate of sushi and a bottle of Hana Awaka (to myself). The sweet, sparkly sake is something I've turned into my own NYE tradition. Not cheap, but worth it once a year. Then the two of us played a quick practice game of Munchkin Bites on the floor and watched tv.

This week my focus has to be on editing and getting as much of my current assignment done before the school year starts back up. I want to have a paycheck on the way before I go back to the awkward, stressful mediocrity that is substituting.

My new years resolutions are mediocre as well, with just the same things that are pretty much on the list every single year. Not hard things, necessarily, but not simple, specific ones, either.

The two things I really want to do this year are to be more of myself-- which first requires me to really find out what that means, which is the hard part --  and to create more. I read recently that one of the problems today is that we are consumers, not creators. We consume what others have made; food, tv, games, music, books, art, etc., without creating enough of our own. I'd like to create something every day this year, even if it's as simple as a drawing or a blog entry or a story or a meal. Every single day; something created.

So go out and live and love and smile and create in the New Year.