2013.

My first note of the new year is to never again drink "Red Velvet" flavored anything unless you like to have your cake and drink it too.
We couldn't even finish the bottle, every sip left my mouth feeling like it'd been bathed in super-sweet cherry chocolate. I should have just gotten the cheap plain bubbly.
Oh well, we'll find something to celebrate for and drink champagne so I can get my yearly fix.

My NYE was uneventful, but happily highlighted by a small plate of sushi and a bottle of Hana Awaka (to myself). The sweet, sparkly sake is something I've turned into my own NYE tradition. Not cheap, but worth it once a year. Then the two of us played a quick practice game of Munchkin Bites on the floor and watched tv.

This week my focus has to be on editing and getting as much of my current assignment done before the school year starts back up. I want to have a paycheck on the way before I go back to the awkward, stressful mediocrity that is substituting.

My new years resolutions are mediocre as well, with just the same things that are pretty much on the list every single year. Not hard things, necessarily, but not simple, specific ones, either.

The two things I really want to do this year are to be more of myself-- which first requires me to really find out what that means, which is the hard part --  and to create more. I read recently that one of the problems today is that we are consumers, not creators. We consume what others have made; food, tv, games, music, books, art, etc., without creating enough of our own. I'd like to create something every day this year, even if it's as simple as a drawing or a blog entry or a story or a meal. Every single day; something created.

So go out and live and love and smile and create in the New Year.

A New Year on Its Way

So I sort of have a new computer. On loan, basically. And I only have it for two weeks before I'm probably lending it to someone else for a month, so... not having my own computer has been an oddly placid hassle. I use the boys, usually, but when he's not home I don't really have the chance to write or work (I'm officially a freelance Editor now, win!). And when he isn't home I tend to feed my Triple Town addiction...

But a new year is on its way, which means a new collage and pages of resolutions in my Bible, hopefully a party where I can dress up and drink champagne, and a short-lived feeling of newness and rebirth come the first few days of January.
But right now, for the first time in quite a while, things seems to have potential. I'm working (a little) and still a substitute teacher (can't wait to get out of that, but at least I get to make my own schedule) and Christmas (my favorite holiday, even as an atheist) left me with a lot of things I really kind of needed. Clothes that I actually like and can wear to work, so I can finally throw away some of the things I've had since I was 14; a new cookware set so I'm not eating bits of Teflon in my soups; and a lot of things I actually kind of wanted: books, blankets, a munchkin game.

Somehow, I feel a very slight, subtle sense of... possibility, for the first time since I graduated college. I even have a little pile of story ideas spinning around in my head that I think are eager to get out, including a fantasy series (comic?) that was originally my partner's idea, but I've evolved and would like to write down, and a dark children's story that I think could be really good.

I'm afraid of this too, unfortunately, because much of this possibility will have to begin with a cleansing of what currently is. 

I need to throw away my scratched and broken pots and pans to make room for my beautiful new set.
I need to throw away the clothes that are torn, don't fit, and I just don't like, and finally make room for a wardrobe that I actually look forward to wearing, and create a more concrete (though still completely fluid) visual identity that I actually like, and makes me feel like me.
I need to redo the office and its contents for the beau's new Drafting Table-- which means his hulking desk is now mine, which is another new beginning to cleanse and start.
I need to reevaluate my living space as a whole to find a way to keep it clean and love it and discourage laziness.
I need to purge myself of laziness and focus wholeheartedly on this work that I really really want to do for the rest of my life, which I'm finally taking baby steps towards.
I need to reevaluate my working life, since I didn't get into grad school and now have a large span of time without a proper plan or indication of what/where I want to be. This is slightly alleviated by the point above, but as my freelance work is small and only just beginning to crawl, there has to  be something else in the meantime.
I need to pour energy into my body (exercise) and relationship (attitude) by letting go of the past and beginning again.

And these aren't even my resolutions. Though now that I've written them they're definitely going in my Bible...

Having said that, I need to get to work. I have a new novel to edit, and I haven't even gotten to the second page.

Wish me luck.

With a Whimper

This new year isn't promising.

Last year felt like an all time low, almost every single day, especially the second half of the year. But I don't even want to think about it.

I want to move on. I want to get better.
I want to make this year better.

So I started with my journals.

My Bible was neglected for a while, but it's picking back up.
So fast, in fact, that I'm starting to think about my next little black book.

Once again, I wrote down my wishes and Resolutions for the new year.

They're mostly the same as last year, but much more determined.

More money. More fun. More adventures. More laughs. More gym time. More water. More writing.

Then Dan bought me these adorable little mini-journals from Target, each with a national monument on the cover, maps of city undergrounds along the inside, and adorable little pages ready to be scribbled and doodled on.

I turned it into a Daily Log.
Did I exercise today?
Did I drink four glasses of water? Eight?
Did I do chores?
Did I kiss Dan?
Did I have fun?
Did I laugh?


I hope it becomes my nightly ritual.
Cross legged in bed with a book and a pen, checking off my day.
Did I write today?
Do something new?
Do something fun?


Hopefully these two things will give me the structure (and boost) I need to get through the first few months of the year, paycheck or no paycheck.
Since even though looking for a job and working and exercising are on my check list, so are laughing and kissing and pampering myself, maybe I can make sure my life is a mixture of work and play, which hasn't been the case this past year. It was work mixed with laziness and self pity, with the occasional bit of play.

This year, I want to be better. Fitter. Happier.