Read Life/Real Life

So let's talk about books.

Obviously, I like books.

I like F.L. Block books. They move me and inspire me and make me want to be and be more.

And there are so many fantasy books I love, too.

The Kushiel's Legacy series by Jacqueline Carey. So much adventure and strength and passion and love. The Sevenwaters books by Juliet Marillier. Softer, but still epic and tragic and romantic and beautiful.

I have a fascination with Stephen King books and I recently fell in love with Horns, by King's son, Joe Hill, which I will absolutely write about later on, not to mention his first amazing book, Heart-Shaped Box (which is awesomely creepy), and N0S4A2; also brilliant.

f.scott.fitzgerald.

I am aware, very much, that my obsession with fiction has led to a fairly skewed outlook on life.

Because I crave heart-aching romance and epic adventure and excitement, I'm particularly dulled to [what feels like] the lack-luster truths of reality.

Love is simple and can feel dull after long periods of time.

Pleasurable sex (for me) is rarely ever slow and "romantic."

Friends don't just float into your life then stick around without a lot of work.

Normal, everyday life doesn't feel magical.

At least

not when compared to books.

and I think this is where my version of the Mean Reds comes in.

My depression, which doesn't creep up on me slowly but pounces, throwing a shade over my eyes and a net around my thoughts before I even realize it's coming.

Even the beautiful sunsets and sunrises and skylines just don't... matter

when that shade comes down.

Then the dullness of my

relationship

work

friends

life

drains me.

Even things I don't think are dull or bad at all, all sink into this pit of the Mean Reds.

I get angry and scared and miserable and desperate.

I get lonely.

It should make me want to run, but it actually freezes me. I curl up and become stagnant and bitter because of it. Because of my lust for a fantasy life I resent my real one. It hurts.

But still we read, right? Still we comb through bookshelves and review blogs and other people's recommendations. Still we search for something new to read, or something good enough to read again.

I've spent long chunks of my life trying to pull myself out of my real-life-induced bitterness, reminding myself that there is no main character in the real world, everyone exists in the same way and no-one is excitedly diving into our adventure (or lack thereof) and that's a really strange thing to do. It's something like the reverse of convincing yourself you're not crazy. Instead, I convince myself that I am crazy-- that I need to let my romanticized expectations go and appreciate what I have.

That's what all the stupid aphorisms say, right? It's not so much... "life is always greener" as... "you will never have grass as green because there's no such thing as that green..."

It's... really depressing just thinking about now...

But how do we fix that?

How do we, as artists, creatives, travelers, and -- most importantly -- readers deal with -- truly deal with -- the world we took to the pages to escape? We all get thrown back into it, after all; that's what growing up is; so how do we consolidate the adventure, passion, and excitement of our fictional retreats into the adult world we have no choice but to navigate?

I'm on a journey to find fiction that doesn't circumvent my enjoyment and understanding of my life but encourages it -- facilitates it.

I want fiction that brings life up and says -- it's okay to be simple! it's okay to be plain! the real world can be interesting to and you aren't missing out!

you don't have to be the main character in the world's story to have your own! Live your boring little life and enjoy and explore and love your life.

Finding Light when it's Dark Inside

sit outside in the sunshine, even on a cold day. close your eyes and let the sun soak into your skin.
sip hot tea by the window. don't think about yourself, just watch the world outside. watch the sky. watch the trees.
go for a walk when it's bright out. think of songs you love and pretend there's nothing else in the world. hum.
buy flowers for your bedroom. make your living room smell like pumpkin or apple spice or cinnamon in the fall. breathe. relax.
drink iced hibiscus green tea with honey. lie on the floor and watch sunlight on the walls. daydream.
light candles in the darkness and breathe in their warmth. remember quiet times of calmness and peace and simple joy.
lie on the carpet or bed and listen to quiet, beautiful music. let it seep into you and wash the rest of the world away.
eat chicken soup or chinese dumplings. let the heat and flavor roll through you. live in the moment of your taste and savor it.
dance to music that makes you feel alive. close your eyes and see the light of the music pulse as your body moves.
remember the sun. remember the light. remember that things always get better. not right away, but eventually.
find your light. hold on to it. don't let go.

Server Girl :: the big question

I've been a waitress (server) for going on seven months now. I love working at a sushi place, but I really hate the job. What I (think I) really want is a boring job where I have a tiny desk, fetch somebodies coffee five times a day, answer the phone and file paperwork. A job where I get paid by the year, not by the customer.
There are good nights as server; nights like tonight when I work six hours and make about $120, which comes out to $20 an hour-- more than I would as an office assistant. But most nights this isn't the case. Most days I make minimum wage or less, and generally speaking I make $50 per shift. The worst days are the ones where I work my ass off but customers still only pay me one or two dollars per person.

(If you weren't aware, servers don't actually get paid by the restaurants they work at. Not usually anyway. I get paid about a dollar an hour by the restaurant-- after taxes-- my boyfriend doesn't get any money from his. It all goes to taxes, tips are all we get to keep. For the majority of servers, the individual customers are the ones that actually pay the server. What you leave as tip is all we get paid for serving you. Which is why 10% is never an acceptable tip, unless you got your food to go. Soap box over.)

But what's bugging me most isn't the money. It isn't (completely) the fact that I've been broke for a full three months now. It isn't that my boss keeps cutting my hours so in a few weeks I'm going to be struggling to make ends meet.
It's that at this job it seems that I'm pretty much always miserable. I like the other servers I work with, I like that--other than putting up with crazy people and the like-- my job is mostly easy. And I even like the food where I work, even though I don't get to eat it more than once a month.

But I hate that this is what I'm doing. 

I'm not traveling, I'm not moving up any corporate ladder, I'm not creating things or doing something interesting, I'm not building my future or living in my present, and I'm not doing something I love. 

I'm working a crappy job just to get by and I'm not even doing things I like in my spare time. All I ever do is wait to go back to work so I can get more money to pay my bills and buy groceries. I watch tv, I pour over job sites for a real job, and I wish I had money so I could replace my five year old jeans or fix our car.

I've tried thinking of creative things I could do to make money, but nothing ever pans out, even when it seems like a good idea in the beginning.

I keep telling myself that I'll be better. That I'll spend more time on my Bible and find the inspiration I need to do all the things I want to. I tell myself I'll clean and finish editing my novel and create things and be happier. That I'll be more active and treat myself to things once and awhile and I'll do more things that I love and want to do.

But every day I still wake up late and I still end up on the couch watching tv because nothing feels worth starting. I'm stuck in a place where nothing looks like it's going anywhere at all. This whole up-coming year feels like a great big stretch up stuck-ness, nothing like what I want it to be. Because my manager doesn't like me (for some reason she won't actually tell me) my hours continue to drop at work, and the process of finding another stupid restaurant job makes me cringe and sink even further into the couch. Because apparently real jobs don't want me, even with two degrees and a decent resume. I have applied to so many local and national companies for all kinds of work that I'm actually kind of qualified to do, and I haven't received a single call back. Not a single request for an interview. It makes everything seem so useless.

But this is a lot of me complaining, and that isn't my point. I don't want to whine and be boring.

What I've been thinking a lot about is Weetzie. For a while, Weetzie Bat was a waitress at a diner. It's where she meets My Secret Agent Lover Man. From there everything seems to pick up for her. But there isn't a note about Weetzie being unhappy during her work there. And all I can think is, How? I feel so trapped here in my post-grad going-nowhere too-qualified-but-not-qualified-enough life in the same damn town but with no money and no friends, I can't imagine Weetzie being happy during that time in her life. How did she handle it?!

Ok, ok, she's fictional. I know this. She stayed happy because that's the way she was written. Happy and optimistic and loving.
But in my (off and on) quest to live a life more like her, I've continued to make excuses on why I'm not doing it. "Because life isn't that way", I'll say. But isn't that the point? To be like Weetzie in the real world? To be like this brilliant, fun, happy character (and other FLB characters like her) in a world that is hard and boring and poor and unpleasant and unforgiving and so un-magical in day to day life? Those who see magic and love and life every day are lucky, and I want to be that way but too often I want too much and do too little.

So then I'm back to the beginning. In this place in my life, stuck in between what I was and what I'm trying so hard to be (( student->server---assistant?, content->miserable---happy?, etc)), how do I look at where I am and smile and just be happy with what's around me, instead of only waiting for the things I'm searching for? Or just be happy with where I am while I try to create the life I want?

How do I buck up and actually live my life instead of just waiting for it?

I know I need to change myself before I can change my life. But how do I get to that point?

How would she?

Empty

The past few weeks have been dull and empty.
Before Thanksgiving I was full of excitement.
Harry Potter was coming. Dan's birthday was coming. Thanksgiving was coming. The end of school was coming. Christmas was coming, for science's sake.
Everything was great and exciting.

But as the first few things came to pass, one after another, things weren't as pleasant and care-free as I'd originally thought they'd be, and life wasn't nearly as exciting.

Now I've been bored and lazy. The apartment is a mess and my novel still hasn't been edited.

And now I have the desperate urge to run and skate and dance and do anything. But none of the will to actually get the fuck up and do any of those things.

I want a life of beauty and love and...life! Why is it so hard for me to just get up and make these things myself?

What is holding me back?