if i wrote a letter to my self

i would remind myself that i need to practice kindness more. and patience. and that i might be smoking too much, and what if it's messing with my health? is it making my life simpler or making me dumber? that i should walk my dogs more and spend more quality time with my husband. i should worry less about my libido and just try to feel more. to love more. maybe i should read more. i should probably stop making choice that i know aren't great just because it's easy or i'm lazy or it's just what i want. i can't be a better person without trying and i can't have the life i want without working for it. i can and should wake up earlier and keep my home cleaner. i should live and experience more through my own eyes, not from a distance and not with the little thoughts that always make me feel encroached and incapable of actually being myself. i should let myself see through my own eyes instead of processing my experiences and actions through a lens of my past self. maybe i should look into the definition of arrested development. but on top of the things i do to make good choices, there are things i shouldn't do, too. don't hold a grudge. not against myself and not against others. don't lie. don't go to work when i'm sick. don' pretend to be sick to get out of work. if i really want to skip work, maybe it's time to ask why. don't hesitate to cry when i actually need it, especially since the zoloft makes it hard to cry and i should take advantage of any time it seems like it could happen. don't watch tv when i could read. or write. don't forget the most important things: i'm loved and i'll be okay.

Read Life/Real Life

So let's talk about books.

Obviously, I like books.

I like F.L. Block books. They move me and inspire me and make me want to be and be more.

And there are so many fantasy books I love, too.

The Kushiel's Legacy series by Jacqueline Carey. So much adventure and strength and passion and love. The Sevenwaters books by Juliet Marillier. Softer, but still epic and tragic and romantic and beautiful.

I have a fascination with Stephen King books and I recently fell in love with Horns, by King's son, Joe Hill, which I will absolutely write about later on, not to mention his first amazing book, Heart-Shaped Box (which is awesomely creepy), and N0S4A2; also brilliant.

f.scott.fitzgerald.

I am aware, very much, that my obsession with fiction has led to a fairly skewed outlook on life.

Because I crave heart-aching romance and epic adventure and excitement, I'm particularly dulled to [what feels like] the lack-luster truths of reality.

Love is simple and can feel dull after long periods of time.

Pleasurable sex (for me) is rarely ever slow and "romantic."

Friends don't just float into your life then stick around without a lot of work.

Normal, everyday life doesn't feel magical.

At least

not when compared to books.

and I think this is where my version of the Mean Reds comes in.

My depression, which doesn't creep up on me slowly but pounces, throwing a shade over my eyes and a net around my thoughts before I even realize it's coming.

Even the beautiful sunsets and sunrises and skylines just don't... matter

when that shade comes down.

Then the dullness of my

relationship

work

friends

life

drains me.

Even things I don't think are dull or bad at all, all sink into this pit of the Mean Reds.

I get angry and scared and miserable and desperate.

I get lonely.

It should make me want to run, but it actually freezes me. I curl up and become stagnant and bitter because of it. Because of my lust for a fantasy life I resent my real one. It hurts.

But still we read, right? Still we comb through bookshelves and review blogs and other people's recommendations. Still we search for something new to read, or something good enough to read again.

I've spent long chunks of my life trying to pull myself out of my real-life-induced bitterness, reminding myself that there is no main character in the real world, everyone exists in the same way and no-one is excitedly diving into our adventure (or lack thereof) and that's a really strange thing to do. It's something like the reverse of convincing yourself you're not crazy. Instead, I convince myself that I am crazy-- that I need to let my romanticized expectations go and appreciate what I have.

That's what all the stupid aphorisms say, right? It's not so much... "life is always greener" as... "you will never have grass as green because there's no such thing as that green..."

It's... really depressing just thinking about now...

But how do we fix that?

How do we, as artists, creatives, travelers, and -- most importantly -- readers deal with -- truly deal with -- the world we took to the pages to escape? We all get thrown back into it, after all; that's what growing up is; so how do we consolidate the adventure, passion, and excitement of our fictional retreats into the adult world we have no choice but to navigate?

I'm on a journey to find fiction that doesn't circumvent my enjoyment and understanding of my life but encourages it -- facilitates it.

I want fiction that brings life up and says -- it's okay to be simple! it's okay to be plain! the real world can be interesting to and you aren't missing out!

you don't have to be the main character in the world's story to have your own! Live your boring little life and enjoy and explore and love your life.

Quarter-Life-Crisis Homeschooling

Continuing from Unemployment 101


Class Ideas. Part one.

Select a few of the courses below for your semester-ly (or quarterly) schedule. Each of those "courses" should then be attempted for between 30 minutes and one hour at least two to three times per week. Just pick one or two of the suggestions -- or make your own -- to try for each "course".
Take the weekends off :)

Course Name: Employment 101
Description: Since my biggest problem right now is my lack of job (or real job, for that matter), a good place to start, even though I don't want to, is on learning how to get a job. I really hate tutorials on resume building, job interviews, etc. But part of me knows that if I never learn this stuff, I will remain stagnant. So let's get learning about work.

Syllabus Ideas:
*Use online job search resource pages:
Monster.com's Career Advice
Career Builders
Huffington Post
Remember, not all advice will apply to you. Keep learning.
*Google search "How to become a ____" and fill in with your desired profession.
*Buy (and read!) the resources that deal with your profession. This could be manuals, histories, how-tos or biographies. For me this would probably be Style Guides, Writer's Markets, and books on editing/editors. My beau has a large collection of books on typography and design.
*Find local resources. Many cities and universities have a surprising amount of resources for people looking for work, beyond just unemployment and long lines at state job networks. Look them up in your area!
*Field Trip! Go out and look! This week, if I can drag myself out of my apartment, I'm hoping to go to a local job network meeting. I don't really think it'll get me a job-- because I don't actually  have a skill set (thanks college)-- but I do see it as a step forward.

Course Name: International Languages
Description: It's not a secret that knowing another language is not only cool, it opens up doors for you, whether they're social, in traveling, or your career. Being bilingual looks really good on a resume, and can be just fun.
Though I grew up in a multi-racial family, I was too lazy as a child to learn spanish, and now I'm just bad at it thanks to a terrible memory. But I also have never tried hard enough.
Admitting that is step one. Step two is getting started. Step three is not quitting. Step four is learning.

Syllabus Ideas:
Have rosetta stone? Awesome! An available tutor (or friend, family, etc)? Sweet! Otherwise, do some research! There are plenty of sites that have videos or learning tools to help start the basics.

My tool of choice will be Babbel, a wonderful, (almost) free resource online and on an app that lets you learn (almost) whatever language you want.
The app is completely free (from what I've seen) but the website is not. After using the app off and on for a month, I'm only now looking at the website, which seems to have trials but not full access for free; so stick with the app.

That's okay, though, because the app is awesome. You go through lessons of word listings where you're given pictures of the words, you hear the pronunciation, and you then repeat the words so it can judge how you're doing. Then there are mini activities to help you get used to the words and how they're used, and in the main menu there's also a Review program that goes through a certain number of the words you've done (can be repetitive) to help your memorization. So far the only thing it seems to be lacking is sentence structure, but if it doesn't come up, you can look that up or get a children's learning book to help.

Watch out for some of the pronunciation, though. This is Spanish spanish (as in, from Spain) and some things can be tricky/different. One example is juice, which, in most of the hispanic world is "jugo" (who-go), but in Spain is apparently "zumo", but with the Spaniard lisp, is pronounced "thoo-mo". I tend to fail that one, but luckily I already knew jugo.

Course Name: Gym

Description: Seriously. We need to exercise. The fact that I have this time to do anything, but no motivation to go to my gym which is a) within walking distance (like 20 feet) and b) free (!), my excuses are poor and pathetic. So it's time to get moving! Different from Recess in that it focuses on moving with a purpose instead of general play (we'll get to that later), Gym should consist of exercise that clears your mind, makes you sweat, and builds your body. Exercise can help you lose weight, stay healthy, fight stress (and illness), and even help you sleep. Cut your excuses and get moving.

Syllabus Ideas:

*Get to the gym. Whether its a free gym or not, going to the gym gives you really no choice: you're there, so work out. Use motivational apps like Zombies, Run! ($6) to get you started on something (treadmill, in this case- you can start out walking until you build stamina) and work your way up slowly.

*Field Trip. Take a $5 zumba class or something, or find local groups that offer donation based classes (my city has tai-chi, but i haven't found anything else). Just doing one will make you feel better -- more active, more social, more energized -- even if you can't do more than that.

*Play! Use games like Just Dance, Dance Central, or Wii Fit or Kinect Training to get some exercise in your own home while having fun (and not having to worry about looking bad.

*Use your environment. Have a pool nearby? Swim laps. Live near a mountain? Go or a hike. Got a bike? Use it! Don't let what you have go to waste.

*Stretch. A simple Gym course can be just 30 minutes of simple stretching. It seems like a lot, but find a Stretching Routine that you like, spend at least one minute in each pose, with some minute breaks in between, and you'll feel more flexible, healthy, and relaxed when you finish. 

*Oh, don't forget abut sex. There are a lot of different statistics about how many calories sexual activity can burn, from a tiny bit to a whopping workout. That doesn't really matter all that much. Sex is healthy and does, in one way or another, burn calories and get your body moving. So make it heavy and make it last, and you've got a workout to begin or end your Gym class.

Course Name: Recess

Description: Where Gym class is about getting sweaty and fit, Recess is a time for fun. Active fun, that is. At school, there are no computers, no movies, no games, no couches. But there also doesn't have to be treadmills or long distance sprints, weights or aerobics. Recess is about fun, laid back activity that gets you moving in a much less strenuous way, and encourages fun/happiness a little more than fitness.

Syllabus Ideas:

* Take a walk around the block. Your block or someone else's. Park? Downtown? Anywhere. To take up time, you can start with five minutes of stretching, a 20-25 minute walk, then five more minutes stretching to cool down. Enjoy your surroundings.

* Play with your pet. Inside or out, just 15 minutes of playtime can improve your emotional and physical health.

* Play with friends. Whether it's Frisbee at the park or swimming at the pool, any time spend moving about outside is a good activity. Or get someone to play tennis or basketball with. Don't have friends? Find out if your community has an intramural/casual sports team. I used to live in a park area where twenty-somethings got together to play kickball or ultimate frisbee. No commitments and social activity makes it a win.

*Go to the park and play on the jungle gyms. Monkey bars, climbing walls, and anything you climb through, over, or under can make you feel active and silly and fun. This is more fun if you have someone to be silly with you. **You might want to go to an empty one to avoid looking like a creeper.

* Play games! Twister. TV Tag. Racing. Simon Says. Jump Rope. Make like a kid and find someone to play games with!

Next time; FYI Sciences, Art, Home Ec, History Appreciation, Nutrition for Beginners, and Sex Ed!

Unemployment 101 :: A Long Introduction

If you've found yourself unemployed (or underemployed) life can be especially boring. If, like me, you find yourself drowning in a mixture of not only dull unemployment, but also achingly more difficult depression, then you probably feel (to at least a degree) that slowly but surely life is becoming less worth living and you've failed at life.

"Get an education they said, make money they said"

I think this is particularly true of, though not limited to, those of us in our early to mid-twenties (oh my god I'm in my mid twenties...) finding ourselves in a quarter life crisis, and anyone else who was raised to believe that going to college was the way to get a good job and not flip burgers or wait tables for the rest of your life, who, now that we're graduated and not getting jobs, often for years, we find ourselves doing just that because we actually can't get a job at all; good or otherwise.
And if you're now refusing "menial" labor and feeling the crushing sense of failure and hopelessness that is therapy-needed depression, it's likely you do something similar to what I've found myself guilty of for months now.

Sleep late and feel like a brainless zombie when you do wake up, wake up with a feeling of complete lack of motivation ("why should i get up, I have nothing to do") and spend the vast majority of the day on the verge of tears-- especially when searching through job openings, none of which you're qualified for, yet you apply anyway and never hear back-- avoid people because you know you'll talk about how broke and miserable you are, exhaust the visual resources that are Netflix instant, Hulu, & Amazon Prime (and, of course, use other people's accounts to each because they cost money), want to break down sobbing every time you see food you want or an ad for Ikea because you can't afford it, and then stay up till four a.m., zoned out in front of the tv, games, or scrolling through Pinterest, probably in tears again. 

Sleep eventually, probably medically induced and unpleasant, zombie wake, repeat.