Making House. Edition 1

I've been having a so-so week. Two weeks.
Okay, month.

I've been working full time (almost)-- but haven't seen the money from it yet-- I've been sick three-- no, four!-- times, and I'm more broke than I have been in years, really. Even my credit cards are maxed right now, and I promised myself that would never happen.
But it's been my fault.

The money part anyway. When I'm stressed I don't want to cook so I buy food, when I'm depressed I don't want to mope so I shop. Not a good mixture this month.

Anyway.

I live in a nice apartment. In a nice complex. That should be nice.
But, of course, it's not. I'm too busy, stressed, or depressed to keep it clean, decorate it, out just generally make it nice.
I come home, I plop down on the couch or bed, I eat, and I leave my messes everywhere.

 Recently I've been shaking off the excess stress and melancholy that came along with working a job I didn't like for not nearly enough money or sleep, and wanted to fix this problem. Knowing the term is almost over gives me just enough of a boost to get one or two productive things done per day.

 

Recently, in a spurt of desperation I went to the store and maxed out my credit card (i know, bad idea) on affordable carpets, bed risers, under bed bins, new sheets, and some decor.   ((to be fair, I only spent about $50 and i got all that stuff!))

I got to work making my bed taller, storing unneeded items underneath (and clothes, actually), and pretty-ing up my bedroom.

Oddly enough, the finale didn't come until I used things I already had.
I tacked up some muslin for a makeshift headboard, then dug through my holiday boxes for some makeshift fairy lights. Add in a few old candles I don't use enough, and voila.

The result?
A bedroom I actually am proud to be in, and happy to sleep in.

Beautiful Violin

This is my new workout music.

I need to learn some pretty form of martial arts/dance to go with it...

Any love that is love...

So often we worry too much about who our children and friends and families are loving, when we should be worrying about how they're loving.

Is their love deep?
Is their love safe?
Is their love happy?

We forget that these are the important things, even for ourselves.
Who doesn't matter quite as much as how. 

If their lover returns their affection as deeply, treats them safely, and makes them happy, then why why why does anything else in the world-- their class, their skin color, their race, their sex-- why does anything else matter?

If your lover loves you deeply, treats you safely, and makes you happy, then why be afraid? Why be angry? Why let the little things get in the way?

Guess what !

I'm sick again.
I'm pretty sure that s the sixth or seventh time since the new year.
For starters, I will never be a teacher again. Ever.

Having said that, however, the good news is that while I'm in bed recouping tomorrow instead of working and making it worse, I may have enough brain power left to get some posts done.

Here's done topics that should be coming soon;
Health
Cleaning
Luxurious life 1 &2
Music videos I adore (again)
Love

See you soon!

Can't Explain It

I can't explain to him the empty rage like spiders crawling under my skin, whirlwind flames spinning through my brain and cutting off any sane, logical thought process. I can't explain to him the blind fury, desperate and alone but determined and proud. Don't want Don't need I'm fine.
Fingers clench, aching to reach out, to find a strength of will and understanding that isn't there to grasp.
I can't explain to him the knots in my chest, tight and choking, rising up my throat; a scream begging to happen. No reason No purpose I'm fine.
I can't explain to him why I hate him sometimes. That it isn't really him, it's me. The little things he does and forgets bug me, but the extent to which my body reacts makes me furious, my brain lashing out at itself, and him, because he's near.

I can't explain the urge to scream, scratch my eyes out, cry, or pull my hair from my scalp

for

no

real

reason.

Oh, it's real enough in my head.

Like a banshee tearing through me.

But the logical part of me knows it's insignificant. That something inside me is taking this miniscule thing, whatever it is, and inflating it, taunting it, urging it on and making it grow into monstrous proportions, throwing my hormones into an emotional frenzy where nothing in the world is GOOD ENOUGH.

and I can't

explain it

to him.

Loving Anais

Still reading the wonderful Diary of Anais Nin. As such, here are my favorite quotes for the 2nd ...eighth? of the book! These selections aren't so much inspiring as they are beautiful writing (to me).

On a side note; I believe this is post #200!!!!! 

I am excite.

 

From, The Diary of Anais Nin, Volume 1. Pages 47-105

"I was upset as a child to discover that we only had one life."

"[She has] increased the dose of love as the poor addict increases his dose of drugs."

"...they grappled body to body, breath to breath, tongue against tongue, as if to enclose, enmesh, imprison once and forever..."

"I could not life any longer in an empty world. I must have much to love, much to hate, much to grapple with."

"Again and again I return to poetry."

"Anger incites him: fuels him. Anger poisons me."

"...[she] stopped them an angry way which revealed her love of me. As i f I were sacred."

"To destroy is easy."

"I am possessed by a fever for knowledge, experience, and creation."

"He wills the whole world to fire and floods..."

"Today I feel my past like an unbearable weight..."

"To me the truth is something which cannot be told in a few words... those who simplify the universe only reduce the expansion of its meaning."

"I could already see how contagious a full life can be."

"I keep a kind of shell around me, because I want to be loved."

"...so I cover all this up with understanding, wisdom, interest in others, with my mind's agility, with my writing... I cover the woman up, to reveal only the artist, the confessor..."

"I want my Dionysian life, drunkenness and passion and chaos; and yet here I am, sitting at a kitchen table and working..."

"For this is the moment when I relive my life in terms of a dream, a myth, an endless story."

"I have constructed a style, a manner, affable, gay, charming, and within this I am hidden."

"He gets drunk on words."

"The old pattern of my life is shattered."

 "To be unhappy is not a sign of weakness"

"I have never seen anyone so withered from within, so dead in life."

"...an initial shock has shattered my wholeness, that I am like a shattered mirror. Each piece has gone off and developed a life."

"...writing, for me, is an expanded world, a limitless world, containing all."

"Her love was brave and virile."

"The room feels heavy and deeply anchored in the earth."

"Enter this laboratory of the soul where incidents are refracted into a diary, dissected to prove that everyone of us carries a deforming mirror where he sees himself too small or too large, too fat or too thin... Enter here where one discovers that destiny can be directed... Once the deforming mirror is smashed, there is a possibility of wholeness; there is a possibility of joy."

Retail Therapy :: Starry Night

Starry Night by dreamcyn featuring galaxy pants

Was having a bad day last week; said yes to a job I really didn't feel like I could handle.

So what do I do?

$55 of retail therapy (please don't think i'm a shopper; i really couldn't afford this) on Love Culture.

This outfit (sans the jewelry, which I already own) will be here Wednesday. 

I

cannot

wait.

It will be on my body Thursday morning,

and you will have to pry this shit off of me come the weekend.